Pat Keenor: I want to be a domestic goddess like Nigella Lawson (minus the husband)
THERE are bucket lists (things you want to do before you kick the bucket) and there are bucket lists...
I've read other people's bucket lists where they want to do worthy things like visit the Taj Mahal, go swimming with dolphins, take a trip in a hot-air balloon, create a work of art or learn a foreign language.
In the Journal we have part two of our 50 Things To Do Before You Die series. Last week we looked at North Devon events – like the completely barking mad Taddiport Leper Festival – and this week we cast our eyes over local must-see beauty spots.
But, I am a simple soul and my bucket list is not nearly as exotic.
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All I want to do before I die is to become a domestic goddess.
You have no idea how much I envy those serene women who manage to hold down a job, care for their children and still keep an immaculate house and garden.
I have visions of wafting around in my long summer skirt and straw hat, lazily dead-heading roses.
I want a garden that doesn't invite ridicule from my ever-loving family – those relations (you know who you are) who mock my inability to keep a plant alive for longer than it takes me to take it home from the garden centre.
I don't really mind cooking but I'm not one of those people who can rustle up a delicious little ragout out of a tin of peas, a couple of dried up mushrooms and some left-over spag bol.
So I want to be a Nigella (minus her husband, of course. I'll stick with the better half, thank you very much) sexily sticking her finger into pudding bowls and tasting some exotic calorie-laden creation.
Talking of Nigella, the better half said he liked her muffins. I didn't know he was so interested in bakery products, but there you go.
I want to bake a quiche lorraine with a posh salad and dressing to go with it, not egg and bacon tart with lettuce, cucumber and tomato and a dollop of Heinz salad cream.
As for housework, I'm caught between two stools. I hate my house to be too messy but on the other hand hate the household chores.
My trouble is that I am an arch procrastinator. Faced with a kitchen which will require an industrial-strength vacuum and a couple gallons of bleach to clear up after last night's supper, I turn on my computer and start surfing the net.
It can work to my advantage, though, because if I am faced with a load of North Devon Journal work, I start wiping down worktops and turn into Kim from TV's Kim and Aggie fame.
At least my house isn't as bad as the people's they have visited. Some of those houses are so filthy they make mine look like something out of Ideal Homes.
This frightening pair harangue their victims about housework and scare them witless by collecting germs and bacteria and breeding them on petrie dishes. Aggie will then inform them that behind their cooker they have Slutticow bacteria and Black Death viruses.
BEHIND the cooker? I never even knew my cooker had a behind.
Anyway, I would just like to strike a happy medium and keep my house looking neat and tidy with a place for everything and everything in its place.
So, being a domestic goddess is all that's on my bucket list. I don't think it's too much to ask.
THE birth of a baby in any family is a cause for celebration. Whether he is a prince or pauper, he will, hopefully, be loved and treasured. So congratulations to William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, on the birth of their son and also to every other parent with a baby born on Monday.
GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE:
Me (during the heatwave): It's too hot for housework.
Him: It hasn't been hot for the last 20 years......